I have come to believe that the point of our greatest pain and deepest wound is like an X on the treasure map of our lives.
When that pain cries out, it is crying, “Dig here!” This is where our greatest personal treasure is buried. This is the wound that, once embraced, has the potential to release our greatest personal freedom and the power to live more authentically.
In my story, I can take you right to the X.
My first wife and I were going through a tough season — really tough. In retrospect, we were fighting our own private battles more than each other. She struggled with childhood trauma and depression. Meanwhile, I had been sacrificing myself and my marriage to my achievement obsession. Can any of you relate?
When we went to couples therapy, the counselor who had been coaching me for two years, seemed like a natural choice. I trusted him implicitly.
Over many hours, my wife and I bared our souls to each other and to the counselor. We all became very close, and I considered him not only my personal coach and confidante, but also my best friend.
Maybe you can see where this is headed… I didn’t, until he went from suggesting individual sessions with my wife to inviting her on wilderness treks, retreats and consultations he called critical to her healing.
I consented in hope that letting her go would help bring her back to me. (Codependency anyone?) Before long, I noticed a shift. My wife’s attention became focused on her work with the counselor and less on us. When I voiced concerns, they denied any impropriety.
But my trusted “friend” had manipulated my wife into an unethical and illegal romantic relationship. When it came to light, I was destroyed. I saw the situation as betrayal of biblical proportions with me as the innocent victim. (I didn’t yet see my own role in the failure of our relationship.)
I entered into a dark season of self-destructive indulgence that hurt others and myself. My wife and I learned firsthand that “hurt people hurt people.” A few years later, our 28-year marriage ended.
The X on my treasure map of my childhood wound was the perception of abandonment when my folks sent me to military school at 14 years old. When my wife pulled away, I felt abandoned, but my response was to pull away as well.
I share more in my book, “All In,” and explore powerful negative emotions — usually rooted in a particular wound — that can hijack our lives: anger, resentment, fear and shame. I also take a deep dive into how to experience healing. Be sure to check it out!