How could he be so deep in his deception and still…?
You and I could complete that question in a dozen ways, and it’s the second giant I wrestled with in the wake of my friend’s egregious moral failure.
In a ministry context, the question is, “How could he be so deep in his deception yet preach and teach so clearly and powerfully, and serve others so compassionately?”
As humans, we seem able to operate from several versions of ourselves. And the more the shadow remains unexamined, the easier it is for us to do something with the left hand that the right hand is barely conscious of it. It’s called compartmentalization.
I have to believe my friend lived in horrible internal conflict about his corrosive secret, feeling more and more trapped. Imagine his private roller coaster: asking for and maybe feeling that he received God’s forgiveness, then relapsing in his sexual violations, then not knowing why he couldn’t control it, then maybe rationalizing his life as God’s “broken servant” while desperately working all the harder to keep things secret.
I see two kinds of secret keepers: the con man and the good man.
The con man is simply behaving naturally. He has no illusions about his own integrity or values as he seeks to gain wealth, power, influence or acclaim by tainted means.
The good man who falls may sincerely aspire to be great and good, yet makes destructive choices. We’ve all probably been there. In fact, as the Apostle Paul wrote, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)
What about men who feel called to a higher purpose but find themselves crippled by a secret addiction? In AA language, when we’re addicted, we’re sick, not bad.
I have known many men who have suffered terribly from substance and behavioral addictions. Thankfully, many have faced their need for change and gotten help. Others, like my friend, keep their struggles hidden only to bring more suffering in the long run.
We all are accountable for the legal and ethical consequences of our failures. Only God knows the heart, and He is the ultimate wise judge, not us.