Would you consider yourself a “good guy?” Do you strive to be?
Much of what passed for nobility in my behavior — prior to my headache-induced wakeup call — was actually my desire for approval and affirmation, stemming from childhood wounds. I wanted to project an ethically, spiritually more superior persona than the next guy.
My years of practicing codependency had left me unable to distinguish my true feelings from the expectations and needs of others.
The path toward authenticity lay in learning not to shape my internal world and values by external influences.
Where do nice-guy dysfunctions come from?
Unfortunately, most of us learn in childhood to cope by ignoring, numbing, managing or reinterpreting reality. We do it to survive, but our relational instincts get bent in the process.
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A little backstory
My father was smart, a visionary, hard-working, generous and affectionate — a leader and a man of faith. But he was also critical, perfectionistic and sometimes angry.
He was the only one in our family who seemed to have “permission” to display anger — something he learned from his father. My mother and I learned to stuff such feelings.
Thankfully, my father mellowed over the years and, when he died, we were best friends. But I discovered that what happens later in your life doesn’t change the programming from your childhood.