You may have heard that anger is often an expression of our fears.
This rings true for me.
It is like pulling that thread on a sweater. As I follow the thread of anger or resentment, it unravels all the way back to my basic fear. For me, it’s often the fear that I am not enough — not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, strong enough.
For you, the thread might lead to the fear of being violated, of being disrespected, of being left out or abandoned.
Remember that our anger and fear are often inherited. Maybe as a child, we observed our parents’ fear of financial failure or the pain of it. Or it could be that they feared loss of reputation, safety or being disrespected.
I think of a primal wound as a formative disruption in childhood that leaves the child feeling that the original connection to the parent is threatened or has been cut off. It may become our life’s motivating force — sometimes expressed defensively (as in the one thing we want to prove is not true about us).
Wherever it originates, anger comes bursting forth when a person gets poked in a primal wound. The rage-filled response can seem far out of proportion to the offense.
You may say, as I did, “I’m not angry.” I stuffed those feelings, only to discover it doesn’t really go away. It’s like swallowing a hand grenade.
We express our stuffed anger often in mindless behavior, such as overeating and drinking, which “medicate” away our feelings. We don’t see it until we gain 50 pounds or — as they say in AA — “keep breaking out in handcuffs.”
Fortunately, in shadow work and other ways, we’re able to follow our anger to its source. This is the journey into our self-awareness. And with healing, a habitually angry man can learn to become a safe person.
I know this is true because I saw it happen in my own father. By the time we were adults together, he had a better understanding of his repressed anger and its underlying fear. And our relationship blossomed as a result.
Next time you sense your anger is about to erupt, pull the thread back to its beginning.
Maybe I’m angry at someone who didn’t serve me in a store when I was next in line. I could be afraid of being disrespected or disregarded — that I’m not really all that important.
Can you deal with that? Can you have a good laugh about thinking you’re so important? When we can get to the end of the thread of fear, we can determine whether our anger is appropriate and choose a healing path.
Exercise
Next time you have an unreasonable response of anger, ask yourself:
What am I feeling now?
Why?
Where might it be coming from?
In doing so, we allow our shadow to be our teacher.