The toxin of shame takes a heavy toll on men.
It robs smart, talented, successful men of joy by telling them they are profoundly not OK.
I talk in my book, All In, about the ways misdirected or uncontrolled sexual desires, and other behaviors, can burden a man with shame and guilt.
Shame is different from guilt, though. We feel guilt when we believe we have done something bad. We experience shame when we believe we are bad.
Shame is like the slime that grows under a rock at the bottom of the stream. We feel sure that, unless we keep it hidden, it will slime our whole lives.
But I’ve found the opposite to be true. When we keep it beneath the rock at the bottom of the stream (suppressed and out of sight), the threat is real. But when we pull it out, turn it over and expose it to the sunlight, the shame — like slime — dries up and blows away.
How do we expose the shame to the sunlight? One way is by sharing our humiliating belief or experience — real or perceived — with other men in a safe, confidential gathering. (We call that an “All In Forum.”)
Bringing shame into the light helps us see the lies that have bound us.
And once we are living in the truth, new feelings will follow. What usually pops out first is relief, then the return of joy, quickly followed by a new experience of freedom.
Next time, a lesson on “letting go” from Casablanca.