When I was a teenager, my Uncle Johnny Houser was the editor of Variety Magazine in Hollywood.
Whenever I had a crush on a new starlet, I’d call my cousins in Hollywood for the inside scoop. Too often, the beautiful actress was a mess in real life. The same could be said of many of the leading men.
Our fears cause us to create personas — masks or facades that present our preferred, but false, self. It’s usually fear that we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. But the mask comes with a cost. In Hollywood, they say that “celebrity is a mask that eats away your face.” It’s an ugly picture. But it can apply to all of us.
When you wear a mask long enough, you forget who you really are. I firmly believe that committing to transparency and authenticity in key relationships is the best way for leaders to stay off the “Burned List.”
I’ve noticed two kinds of transparency:
- Internal — You know you have nothing serious to hide because you are not knowingly carrying hurtful, destructive secrets. It doesn’t mean the secrets aren’t there. You are just not yet consciously aware of them all. That takes a lifetime of work.
- External — You live honestly and wisely in relationships. Of course, different relationships call for different layers of self-disclosure — from shallow transparency with acquaintances to intimate with your closest confidants.
Being transparent doesn’t mean wearing a cellophane suit to the office, but we do need some person or group with whom we can be “all in” — a confidential community where we can take risks to learn honestly about the parts of ourselves we may hate, that could be making us sick.
If not, we risk rotting on this inside.
Emotional safety allows men to dig deep into their stories with all the feelings, fears and motivations associated with them. It allows others on the same journey to gently call them out and — if they are willing — hold them accountable.
That is the power of transparency. When it happens, I have seen healing come in men’s lives very quickly. I have seen distraught, defeated men release their secrets and find joy. I have seen angry men release their secret rage and find peace.
But what exactly does help look like? More on that next time!