I was devastated when a prominent leader friend I’d faithfully supported was exposed for living a lie.
After my shock, I found myself wrestling with five giant questions:
- Can anyone trust anyone?
- How could he be so deep in his deception and still…?
- Are there more hypocrites in church (or does it just seem like it)?
- How can men learn to be more transparent?
- If we are bystanders to a deception and want to help, what does “help” look like?
I’d like to address No. 1 here, based on my experience and what I’ve learned from other men.
Can anyone trust anyone?
Certainly, yes, for many things. But I no longer expect complete transparency from anyone. I’ve come to believe that all men fear being “found out.”
We carry this primal fear that we’re frauds or not good enough and, therefore, always at risk of being disrespected or rejected. Can you identify?
So on matters where we feel most vulnerable — money, reputation, sex and control, for starters — we tend to lie to others or slant our words, or maintain a code of silence for our own protection. More disturbingly, we lie to ourselves and rationalize our moral failures.
As Rick Warren says, “We rationalize our behavior, which means we believe our ‘rational lies.’”
So can we trust anyone? I think we can trust ourselves and others to be afraid, defensive and flawed — but sometimes, by grace, we can prevail over these tendencies.
I know this is true, because I’ve seen that when men surround themselves with safe, grace-filled, confidential relationships, they will take enormous risks to own up to the messy truth about themselves, receive the same from others and begin to flourish in integrity.
These men are my real heroes — flawed, for sure, and afraid, but willing to step into their fear around their secrets in order to become authentic and, yes, trustworthy.